It's an oxymoron today. There isn't much that you could call delightful about a lack of simultaneous naps. Both ninjas used to have a nap at 11 every day. Now it's more of a jumbled mess of random power naps and screaming about how I'm a potato, and he's a chicken burger. (True story.)
One of them is always awake. One of them always needs something. Right now, Ninja 2.0 needs to sit on my lap force feeding me soggy popcorn. If you want to be a ninja parent, you roll with that shit.
Anyway, as the story goes, it's approaching the usual naptime. The one that doesn't happen anymore. I have to stick my head in the pantry and eat a cookie. It's all about survival and stealth. If they hear the packet rustle I'm in trouble. A sugar high would spell my doom.
Lesson #8- Have a chocolate/ cookie/ chocolate cookie stash available for the hard days. Take as required, frequently. If symptoms persist, buy a cheesecake.
We attempt to read stories. Ninja 2.0 would prefer to sit on my face. I look outside. It's so hot and sunny I'm almost positive I can smell the hot. (Sure, it's a thing.) Quick decision! TV - don't fail me now! I can't find the remote. Of course. Ninja 2.0 does his best impression of a ball and chain- clinging to my ankle and being very committed to his goal. So tenacious. So heavy. So frustrating!
Got it. Cartoons are on and I have enough time to think about sitting down. Nice! Ninja 1 encourages his baby brother to lick his feet. *for fucks sake....* instead he blows a raspberry on it. It's all fun and games until someone gets kicked in the head. *more inaudible profanity* The couch is not for doing flips! Stop dancing on the coffee table! These are a few phrases I never imagined I'd need.
As soon as I put that fire out, there's that familiar smell I've grown so accustomed to. I swear, if motherhood could have a signature scent, it'd probably be poo. Nobody would buy that. I know what you're thinking. I must get tired of being right. You'd be wrong, so that makes me right.
Lesson #9- crackers dipped in custard is an appetizing snack. Not really, but experimentation is mandatory under ninja code.
Daddy-O makes an appearance. He's home from work and just in time, too. I'm fresh out of creative ways to be rad. I get to use the toilet without worrying about a ninja fight breaking out. It's pretty awesome. I convince Daddy-O that he should change one of the dirty bums. (Sadly, the frequency of this type of coordinated poo assault is increasing. They're learning to work together. Divide and conquer.) It's time to dance now. I know this because Ninja 1 won't stop screeching until I bust a tasty jam on my trusty smartphone. (Ninja-parent tool of the month, right there.)
After dancing, Ninja 2.0 is the last man standing, and big brother is fast asleep on the couch. It's a pity, but he won't be manipulated by the promise of milk and cuddles. I'm pretty sure I meant to have another mug of cream earlier. Or maybe a spoonful of nutella. I'm weary from battle, and then I remember dinner. It's a thing I'm supposed to do every night and it's supposed to be organized and all I want to do is lock myself in the bathroom with the nutella and a glass of fat coke. Fat coke is the best.
Lesson #10- Every good ninja has a trademark beverage or beverages. Mine is fat coke or coffeecream.
So the rest of the day goes by in a pretty noisy blur. Obviously there was no way in hell I was cooking, it just wasn't gonna happen. Chinese food saved the day and my sanity. I'm still picking fried rice out of the rug but it was totally worth it. Bedtime was 6 PM after the fastest bath in history. (Dunk n swish manouvre) I was in bed by 7.15, because I'm a huge party animal and that's how I roll.
As much as I'd love to get into the nitty gritty of the dinner, bath, bed routine- that'll have to be another story. Ninja 1 just got naked and he had a water bottle so I know he's plotting something bad.
Back later to finish the guide to a less convenient reality- at a more convenient time.
******
Aaaand I'm back. Here are the final two points of the parenting simulation., for those of you playing along at home.
9. Smear a bunch of food and snot on your shirt and wear it for 3 days straight. You still have to leave the house. Might as well wear it with your white spaghetti jeans.
10. Carry 2 bags of potatoes, a teddy, your wallet
, car keys and two sippy cups EVERYWHERE you go.
So that concludes the series. I hope you found it informative. We should do it again sometime....
No comments:
Post a Comment