I know what you're thinking. With a title that punchy and succinct, it's gotta be good. Well, you'd be right.
After the crayon incident, and needing to use the snot-sucking device on Ninja 2.0- I decided it was time for a change of tactics. Movies! My favourites. The ones I've seen a lot of times.... yeah. I was getting desperate. So, being the party animal I am, I bust out the popcorn. I throw it in the general direction of the children, and retreat back to the kitchen. It works for a while....
But then I got cocky. I decided it was safe to go upstairs and pee. They're fast. I underestimate their speed frequently. As I walk back into the lounge, I see Ninja 1 holding the snot sucker. You know in the movies, how everything goes into slow mo when something crazy is happening? That's exactly how it was. Before I could speak..... it was in his mouth. And..... yeah. I heard the slurp. I didn't know what to do, except squeal "GROSSSS!!!!" I know. Pretty badass parenting right there. I lunged for it and threw it into the stairwell. (Total ninja. I bet it looked really cool,)
#Lesson 4- Don't ever pee. Ever. Also, the kid who won't eat actual food, will eat baby snot. Irony at its finest.
Somehow I regroup. The dishes I was attempting to clean are finished. It actually looks kinda like I accomplished something. I'm so proud, I decide I'd better cook something exciting for lunch. But first...... Ninja 2.0 needs a nap. I can tell by the non-stop high pitched whining noise. And the arms flailing through the safety gate. You'd think I was in China, not just a metre away. Seriously.
Ninja 2.0 falls asleep in about 3.2 seconds, but proceeds to stir and chomp down every time I.... breathe. I let him bite me about 7 or 8 times before I carry him upstairs to bed.
#Lesson 5- Gentle nursies is also contraindicated under ninja law, apparently. Gymnurstics is where it's at. Foot on my face, standing up and flipping upside down, picking my nose for me type of nursing. Now I can add extreme sports to my resume.
So it's 10 o'clock, and I have another bright idea. I should make pizza for lunch. From scratch! I'm pretty rad like that. (Ninja 1 can confirm this.) I get my super mum on and even patiently watch on while Ninja 1 flings flour on the floor I mopped about 12 hours prior. I pat myself on the back. You're so rad. You should have wine tonight!
Everything is going well for about an hour. That should've been my signal that something was about to go wrong. Ninja 2.0 wakes up just in time for pizza. Excellent! He's the one who likes my cooking. I'm excited to go and get him until I notice the stench. Again? Alrighty! I sit him on the rug while I search for a nappy. He jumps up to run. I give chase- dodging strategically placed obstacles with speed and agility second to none. Then I see it. He's got one side open. Oh god! Oh shit! It's happening! !! (I have a fear of a poo catastrophe happening. It's bound to one day.)
Imagine you have a cat. It's all cute and fluffy. Okay, stay with me. It's doing that thing that all cats do at one point or another. That ass-dragging-with-poo-still-attached thing. Now you're in the zone. This is the appropriate level of panic, I think.
#Lesson 6- Know where the hell your supplies are. And keep all suspect nappies in your line of sight at all times!!!
Lucky for me, today was not that day. (You didn't think I'd actually be beaten by a small, smelly boy- did you?) And even better, it was a phantom poo. I've never been so grateful for a fart. Truly. After all the nappy excitement, I serve up our delicious cheese pizza. I also deliver an enthralling commentary to keep them from throwing any more stuff on the floor while I'm busy. I'm pretty sure they're impressed. Not much stuff got thrown, so I'm calling it a win.
Ninja 1 announces he doesn't like pizza now. Classic Ninja 1 style. He drinks his watered down juice while the rest of us eat our actual food. Not much of it ends up on the floor. I did find a crust which was smuggled into the lounge but otherwise, it went where it was supposed to.
#Lesson 7- Letting your child choose his lunch is pointless when he changes his mind every 4 seconds. Letting your child help prepare their lunch is an excellent opportunity for learning. I learned how not to scream about the flour on the floor. He learned how to put flour on the floor.
So that about wraps up the attempted productivity portion of the day. Next episode? Afternoon delights.
I thought it might be fun for the non parents to continue playing along, and include some more simple tips for a less convenient reality.
5. Attempt to make a business call with aforementioned DEATH METAL cranking. Act natural.
6. Wear white jeans. Nuff said. That shit is tempting fate.
7. Take your cat grocery shopping. Keep it entertained.
8. Throw spaghetti on a freshly cleaned floor. Leave it for several hours. Try to clean it up. Don't forget the white jeans....
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