Ninja parenting- A day in the life of...... EPISODE #3: AFTERNOON DELIGHTS

It's an oxymoron today. There isn't much that you could call delightful about a lack of simultaneous naps.  Both ninjas used to have a nap at 11 every day.  Now it's more of a jumbled mess of random power naps and screaming about how I'm a potato, and he's a chicken burger.  (True story.)

One of them is always awake.  One of them always needs something.   Right now, Ninja 2.0 needs to sit on my lap force feeding me soggy popcorn.   If you want to be a ninja parent,  you roll with that shit.

Anyway,  as the story goes, it's approaching the usual naptime.  The one that doesn't happen anymore.   I have to stick my head in the pantry and eat a cookie.  It's all about survival and stealth.  If they hear the packet rustle I'm in trouble.  A sugar high would spell my doom.

Lesson #8- Have a chocolate/ cookie/ chocolate cookie stash available for the hard days.  Take as required,  frequently.   If symptoms persist, buy a cheesecake.

We attempt to read stories.  Ninja 2.0 would prefer to sit on my face.  I look outside.  It's so hot and sunny I'm almost positive I can smell the hot.  (Sure, it's a thing.)  Quick decision!   TV - don't fail me now!  I can't find the remote.   Of course.  Ninja 2.0 does his best impression of a ball and chain- clinging to my ankle and being very committed to his goal.  So tenacious.  So heavy.  So frustrating!

Got it.  Cartoons are on and I have enough time to think about sitting down.  Nice!  Ninja 1 encourages his baby brother to lick his feet.  *for fucks sake....* instead he blows a raspberry on it.  It's all fun and games until someone gets kicked in the head.  *more inaudible profanity*  The couch is not for doing flips!  Stop dancing on the coffee table!  These are a few phrases I never imagined I'd need.

As soon as I put that fire out, there's that familiar smell I've grown so accustomed to. I swear, if motherhood could have a signature scent, it'd probably be poo.  Nobody would buy that.  I know what you're thinking.  I must get tired of being right.  You'd be wrong, so that makes me right.

Lesson #9- crackers dipped in custard is an appetizing snack.  Not really, but experimentation is mandatory under ninja code.

Daddy-O makes an appearance.   He's home from work and just in time,  too.  I'm fresh out of creative ways to be rad.  I get to use the toilet without worrying about a ninja fight breaking out.  It's pretty awesome.   I convince Daddy-O that he should change one of the dirty bums.  (Sadly, the frequency of this type of coordinated poo assault is increasing.  They're learning to work together.  Divide and conquer.)   It's time to dance now.  I know this because Ninja 1 won't stop screeching until I bust a tasty jam on my trusty smartphone.  (Ninja-parent tool of the month, right there.)

After dancing, Ninja 2.0 is the last man standing, and big brother is fast asleep on the couch. It's a pity, but he won't be manipulated by the promise of milk and cuddles.  I'm pretty sure I meant to have another mug of cream earlier.  Or maybe a spoonful of nutella.  I'm weary from battle, and then I remember dinner.  It's a thing I'm supposed to do every night and it's supposed to be organized and all I want to do is lock myself in the bathroom with the nutella and a glass of fat coke.  Fat coke is the best.

Lesson #10-  Every good ninja has a trademark beverage or beverages.  Mine is fat coke or coffeecream.

So the rest of the day goes by in a pretty noisy blur.  Obviously there was no way in hell I was cooking, it just wasn't gonna happen.  Chinese food saved the day and my sanity.  I'm still picking fried rice out of the rug but it was totally worth it.  Bedtime was 6 PM after the fastest bath in history.  (Dunk n swish manouvre) I was in bed by 7.15, because I'm a huge party animal and that's how I roll.

As much as I'd love to get into the nitty gritty of the dinner, bath, bed routine- that'll have to be another story.  Ninja 1 just got naked and he had a water bottle so I know he's plotting something bad.

Back later to finish the guide to a less convenient reality- at a more convenient time.

******

Aaaand I'm back.  Here are the final two points of the parenting simulation., for those of you playing along at home.

9.  Smear a bunch of food and snot on your shirt and wear it for 3 days straight.  You still have to leave the house.  Might as well wear it with your white spaghetti jeans.

10.  Carry 2 bags of potatoes, a teddy, your wallet
, car keys and two sippy cups EVERYWHERE you go.

So that concludes the series.  I hope you found it informative.  We should do it again sometime....

Ninja parenting- A day in the life of.......... EPISODE #2- ATTEMPTED PRODUCTIVITY

I know what you're thinking.  With a title that punchy and succinct,  it's gotta be good.  Well, you'd be right.

After the crayon incident, and needing to use the snot-sucking device on Ninja 2.0- I decided it was time for a change of tactics.  Movies!  My favourites.  The ones I've seen a lot of times.... yeah.  I was getting desperate.  So, being the party animal I am, I bust out the popcorn.  I throw it in the general direction of the children, and retreat back to the kitchen.  It works for a while....

But then I got cocky.  I decided it was safe to go upstairs and pee.  They're fast.  I underestimate their speed frequently.  As I walk back into the lounge, I see Ninja 1 holding the snot sucker.  You know in the movies, how everything goes into slow mo when something crazy is happening?   That's exactly how it was.  Before I could speak..... it was in his mouth.  And..... yeah.  I heard the slurp.  I didn't know what to do, except squeal "GROSSSS!!!!"  I know.  Pretty badass parenting right there.  I lunged for it and threw it into the stairwell.  (Total ninja.  I bet it looked really cool,)

#Lesson 4-  Don't ever pee.  Ever.  Also, the kid who won't eat actual food, will eat baby snot.  Irony at its finest.

Somehow I regroup.  The dishes I was attempting to clean are finished.  It actually looks kinda like I accomplished something.  I'm so proud, I decide I'd better cook something exciting for lunch.  But first......  Ninja 2.0 needs a nap.  I can tell by the non-stop high pitched whining noise.  And the arms flailing through the safety gate.  You'd think I was in China, not just a metre away.  Seriously.

Ninja 2.0 falls asleep in about 3.2 seconds, but proceeds to stir and chomp down every time I.... breathe.  I let him bite me about 7 or 8 times before I carry him upstairs to bed.

#Lesson 5-  Gentle nursies is also contraindicated under ninja law, apparently.   Gymnurstics is where it's at.  Foot on my face, standing up and flipping upside down,  picking my nose for me type of nursing.  Now I can add extreme sports to my resume.

So it's 10 o'clock, and I have another bright idea.  I should make pizza for lunch.  From scratch!  I'm pretty rad like that.  (Ninja 1 can confirm this.)  I get my super mum on and even patiently watch on while Ninja 1 flings flour on the floor I mopped about 12 hours prior.  I pat myself on the back.  You're so rad.  You should have wine tonight!

Everything is going well for about an hour.   That should've been my signal that something was about to go wrong.  Ninja 2.0 wakes up just in time for pizza.  Excellent!   He's the one who likes my cooking.  I'm excited to go and get him until I notice the stench.  Again?  Alrighty!  I sit him on the rug while I search for a nappy.  He jumps up to run.  I give chase- dodging strategically placed obstacles with speed and agility second to none.   Then I see it.  He's got one side open.  Oh god!  Oh shit!  It's happening! !! (I have a fear of a poo catastrophe happening.  It's bound to one day.)

Imagine you have a cat.  It's all cute and fluffy.  Okay, stay with me.  It's doing that thing that all cats do at one point or another.  That ass-dragging-with-poo-still-attached thing.  Now you're in the zone.  This is the appropriate level of panic, I think.

#Lesson 6- Know where the hell your supplies are.  And keep all suspect nappies in your line of sight at all times!!!

Lucky for me, today was not that day.  (You didn't think I'd actually be beaten by a small, smelly boy- did you?)  And even better, it was a phantom poo.  I've never been so grateful for a fart.  Truly.  After all the nappy excitement, I serve up our delicious cheese pizza. I also deliver an enthralling commentary to keep them from throwing any more stuff on the floor while I'm busy.  I'm pretty sure they're impressed.  Not much stuff got thrown, so I'm calling it a win.

Ninja 1 announces he doesn't like pizza now.  Classic Ninja 1 style.  He drinks his watered down juice while the rest of us eat our actual food.  Not much of it ends up on the floor.  I did find a crust which was smuggled into the lounge but otherwise,  it went where it was supposed to.

#Lesson 7- Letting your child choose his lunch is pointless when he changes his mind every 4 seconds.  Letting your child help prepare their lunch is an excellent opportunity for learning.  I learned how not to scream about the flour on the floor.  He learned how to put flour on the floor.

So that about wraps up the attempted productivity portion of the day.  Next episode?  Afternoon delights.

I thought it might be fun for the non parents to continue playing along, and include some more simple tips for a less convenient reality.

5.  Attempt to make a business call with aforementioned DEATH METAL cranking.  Act natural.
6.  Wear white jeans.  Nuff said.  That shit is tempting fate.
7.  Take your cat grocery shopping.  Keep it entertained.
8.  Throw spaghetti on a freshly cleaned floor.  Leave it for several hours.  Try to clean it up.  Don't forget the white jeans....

Ninja parenting - A day in the life of.. EPISODE 1 : MORNINGS

I hear a tiny squawk on the baby monitor.   Urgh.  Already?  It's the middle of the. ... oh.  I have to squint pretty hard but it's starting to look suspiciously like morning.  4 AM.  Close enough.  

Lesson #1- The sun doesn't have to rise before you can call it morning. 

I throw myself out of bed, leaping clear of the sleeping 3 year old on the floor beside me.  (He's a bit of a bedtime gypsy.)  I stagger into bubs room.  He's standing behind the door, of course.  (Lucky I didn't enter with a flying kick... this time).  I should probably mention that 'bub'- a.k.a ninja 2.0- is more of a toddler these days.  An almost 17 month old, who walks (sprints) talks and high-fives his brother. 

So I scoop him up quickly before he can run out of his room and start wreaking havoc.  I crawl into my bed with him and attempt to silence him with milk.  I last about 20 minutes before he loses interest and starts bouncing around.  I open one eye to see a little blonde head pop up beside me.   "Hey baby K!"  It's 4.30.  Seeeeeeeriously?  They both run around the room while I attempt to find pants.  I have about a 50% success rate.  We head downstairs.   By head, I mean I carry ninja 2.0 and ninja 1 holds my hand.  

Lesson #2- Walking is prohibited under the ninja code, apparently.   Especially if there are stairs involved.  You MUST jump and flail.

I manage not to drop any children or swear words on the stairs.  Coffee!  The reward should be cof-  urgh.  Someone's got a poo.  Poo patrol takes at least 10 minutes.  Sometimes the culprit denies it and tries to run.  Ha.  Funny joke there.  The culprit ALWAYS runs.  And throws furniture and toys in my path for good measure.  I've probably muttered *fuck* under my breath at least twice by now.  You're lying if you say your mornings are any different. 

I do my motherly duty, and eradicate the poo threat.  Coffee!  I need coffee!  I break free of  ninja 2.0, who by now- has dissolved into a sobbing mess because there hasn't been a boob in his mouth for 13 whole minutes while I was elbow deep in.... joy and warm feelings.  I lock myself behind the safety of the baby gate and marvel at the destruction in the kitchen.  I mutter *fuck* a few more times.  Being careful not to trigger an avalanche of dirty dishes, I turn the kettle on.  Its pretty blue glow is comforting, for about 3 seconds.  Now they're both crying.  Ninja 1 wants cartoons.  Ninja 2.0 just wants to be permanently attached to my body.  

Before I can finish making my coffee, three toy boxes have been upended on the floor and a fight has broken out.  Mission abort!  Mission abort!  I attempt to avoid a full on riot using whatever means necessary.  30 minutes in, I realize that just like every other day, it's not going to plan.  I bail back out to the safety of the kitchen after throwing crayons and books into the riot.  

It's definitely a 'cream in my coffee' kind of day.  Hell... every day is a good day for cream.  I'm only having the coffee as an excuse to drink the cream.  Okay.  Slight exaggeration there, but the point is- I like cream.  Three large gulps into my cream with a side of coffee........ and someone has drawn on the walls.  White walls.  I say *fuck* some more and abandon the coffee.  Cream.  Whatever.

#Lesson 3- Crayons seem harmless but they WILL ruin your cream.  Or coffee.  Or coffee cream.  Whatever your morning beverage of choice... it will be ruined.

I think that's enough learning for today.  If you're a non-parent, and want a realistic parenting simulation to try, follow these easy steps.

1.  Stay up really late the night before.

2. Set your alarm for 4am, volume LOUD, ringtone DEATH METAL.

3.  Bury your phone somewhere in your room and try to find it in the dark without swearing.

4.  Light your ass on fire.

Stay tuned for Episode 2- Attempted productivity before naptime.