Everyone is emo at 4am

Hey look, I'm back again. 

I wanted to tell you the story of the first time I was woken up at a stupid hour by a small child.

The year was 2011.  Wonderboy was about 6 months old.  Alright.  It wasn't the first time I'd ever been woken at the asscrack of dawn.  But it's the first time I can actually remember, so it still counts.

So I stumbled to the lounge room, blankets and pillows in one arm, crying baby in the other.  'cartoons.  STAT.'  I thought. 

And then I saw it.  Every mother knows that sinking feeling when you see the static menu screen on abc4kids. 

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!'  I fell to my knees and sobbed.  (or more accurately, said 'fucking hell' under my breath and made a coffee).  The realization suddenly hit me.. that I'd never been awake early enough to notice that a) cartoons don't run 24/7 and b) 4am is a thing.

Luckily for me (and my offspring) coffee is also a thing.  So the obscenely large, caramel frappe coffees with whipped cream also became a thing.  It seemed like the natural progression to me.

Flash forwards to this morning.  There's that fucking menu screen again...... with the snappy jazz tunes.  Excuse me, but if 4am is too early for kids programming- it's too early for jazz, a.k.a inappropriately loud trumpet.

Just saying.

Now, you would think any half decent ninja would just put on a movie.  You'd be way off, buddy.  Doing that is pretty much a garauntee I'll be sentenced to an entire Saturday of arguing over which movie to watch and uncontrollable crying when it's over.  Sorry dudes, but if I have to sit through Toy Story ONE MORE TIME......

I will run screaming into the night.  (fitness- mum style.)

I can't even remember where I was going with this pointless tale.  I'm that tired.  I'm that drained of life force from the crazy cluster feeding 2y.o........  something something and stuff.

Join me next time for a frank discussion about toddlers who can't survive more than 20 minutes without a nipple in their mouths.

Uuuuurrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

The Ninja Code- How you know you're nailing it.

I know I promised we'd talk about the ninja code next week.... six months ago. 

Sorry about that.  I'd explain if it wasn't a boring story about mould and the logistics of moving house.

So let's just pretend I haven't been neglecting my blog and am still an actual writer.  Ok, great!

As promised six months and a week ago-  The Ninja Code.

Never get cocky.  Don't tell the lady at the checkout how well behaved the kids were at Woolies.  Or Coles.  If you do-  they WILL start crying immediately and really loudly.

How you know you're nailing it-  You can sense an un-brewed tantrum and make it to the car before the screaming and thrashing starts.  This is an extra useful skill for those days you need to swear loudly or facepalm yourself.

Always bring a cardigan.  They're excellent for cleaning up spills or shielding a head from bashing a trolley-side mid tanty.

Always allow 3 hours to tuck everyone in at bedtime.  You wouldn't want to accidentally partake in some alone time, or read something intelligent.

How you know you're nailing it- You can't remember the last time you watched tv and actually paid attention.  You don't know where any books are and you don't care anymore.  Because sleep.

Be succinct in your authoritarian speeches.  Don't become an explain-o-tron and spend 15 minutes 'splaining the crap out of why chips are not a breakfast food.

For example:  Wonderboy wants chips for breakfast, and starts to flail at the predictable NO. 

"That's not how we roll.  It's toast or cereal."  *more flailing*  "or nothing."  *less flailing*

Yeah.  You heard me.   Chips are not a breakfast food!!!  Energy conservation is an important ninja skill.

Become fluent in the language of the ninja.  Don't ever refer to dinner as dinner.  It's food time.  Breakfast is something to eat, and lunch is yummies.

How you know you're nailing it-  You don't call anything what it actually is anymore and accidentally ask an adult if they want to grab some yummies.

Know your fellow ninjas, and party with them.  I don't know about you, but give me a ball of wool, a coffee and several ninjas to converse with about our ninja encounters....... and I'm partying.

How you know you're nailing it-  The definition of party has become whatever you say it is.  Late night fb messenger chat with H-dawg?  Party.  Early morning coffees with J-dawg?  Party. 

And what's the opposite of party?  Parenting.  Lol.  So we should probably cover discipline too.  Even the strongest ninjas find it hard to set boundaries.  It's important to remember that although you're rad, your kids probably won't appreciate your ninja skills.  And they don't know about that one time you did shots all night and fell over in the backyard at 4am.  You've got no street-cred.

But that's ok.  Because one day they'll be the ninja.  And they'll thank you for being badass enough to parent with confidence and pizzazz.  And coffee.  And sometimes wine.  For those times you're fresh out of pizzazz.

Speaking of coffee.... I can't even.... because no coffee yet.

Stay tuned for another riveting installment next week.  Or month, or whatever.  I'm not committing to anything.